We are quickly approaching Christmas. Have you gotten her gift yet? Buying a gift for a lady can be a daunting task. Ever heard the phrase “I don’t care what you get me, it’s the thought that counts”? Ignore it. It’s a trap. No matter how many times she says she doesn’t care, there are always the underlying subtleties. She is testing you and the relationship. Don’t believe me? Buy her a toaster and let me know how it goes.
In light of the complexities, here are some common gifts, what you are telling her when you get them, and when to buy.
1. Kitchen AppliancesWhat you are telling her about the relationship: The intensity and passion are both on permanent sabbatical.
When to buy: When her need for a crushed-ice dispenser on a set of stainless steel French fridge doors outweighs her need for validation in the relationship.
What you are telling her about the relationship: You weren’t creative enough to select a gift that wasn’t life-threatening for the man smuggling it out in his ass cheeks.
When to buy: Is she a socialist hippie? Never. Otherwise, buy diamonds whenever you’ve really fucked up and need to buy back some relationship karma.
3. RosesWhat you are telling her about the relationship: I’m thinking about you and flowers are all I could find from the drugstore at 9:43pm on your birthday.
When to buy: Order a couple dozen of these when she’s having a shitty week at work. The smugness she gets from being more loved that her coworkers will buy you some mid-week ass.
4. ElectronicsWhat you are telling her about the relationship: Your friends tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. It really is all about me.
When to buy: Before the big game. Try to score points by arguing that Oprah’s head will now be in 96 inches of full, 10,000:1 contrasted-ratio glory.
5. Exercise EquipmentWhat you are telling her about the relationship: You’ve let yourself go. I’m starting to fantasize about other women when we make love.
When to buy: Buy it during that hour-long infomercial special - you’ll never get it at that price again. Luckily it folds up for quick storage so it fits perfectly in the U-Haul you are using to move all your shit during the separation.
6. Sex ToysWhat you are telling her about the relationship: Sexual intercourse is the only activity with you that I value.
When to buy it: Bold move there, Quagmire. Did you get laid on the first date? She’ll probably accept this as an invitation to the next level. Otherwise, wait a few years.
7. ClothingWhat you are telling her about the relationship: I cannot determine what size you are. In fact, I significantly under- or over-estimate your size and weight routinely.
When to buy: When you are feeling particularly confident in your metrosexuality.
8. Stuffed AnimalsWhat you are telling her about the relationship: My understanding of relationships and intimacy has not progressed past junior high.
When to buy: After one large popcorn, two cotton-candies, and 14 successive losses at ring-toss.
A majority of the dates I go on are blind dates. A majority of those are bad blind dates. Don’t let my sacrifice to human curiosity and the search to get laid be lost. Here are Ken’s Regulations for Bad Blind Date Avoidance. (more…)
I will admit that I like to make fun of the dating situations I find myself in. It is almost always my date’s fault,
but there are rare occasions where I’ve had my own blunders. Here are my top fuck-ups.
There was a tie for which high school story was more embarrassing, so let’s hear both. After school my high school girlfriend came over to my house unexpectedly and I was home alone. Our house had way too many windows, all of which were routinely left open. Even the front door was glass. I suppose we were fans of natural light. I happened to be on the ground floor when she rang the doorbell, dressed in nothing but my whitey-tighties. I’d like to say the situation was akin to Tom Cruise in Risky Business, but that would be giving 17-year-old-me more credit than I deserved. In any case, there is no way she missed my pasty, scrawny ass covered in skin-tight cotton briefs streaking up the stairs to grab my jeans.
The same year, I screwed up Easter. I wanted to surprise her by filling her locker with candy, but I pretend to be a creative guy, so I couldn’t stop there. I made a candy “bomb” in her locker; I even left exposed yet deliciously chewy candy wires hanging outside the front to make the illusion more complete. I still wonder which pissed her off more - breaking into her locker or having to sit in those chairs waiting while school officials escalated the issue. I didn’t want to ask at the time, she was busy glaring holes in my skull.
I was eating lunch in a food court and I zoned out, staring off into space. You know how you can do that and then you realize you are actually staring at a person without realizing it? Well, I was doing that, and she was cute. I quickly looked away. Later, I turned to look at her again and saw her staring back at me so I gave her a smile, then went to drink from my soda. The lid wasn’t on properly and it popped off. Soda poured all down the front of my shirt.
There was one girl one summer who continued to catch my eye. I wasn’t very confident so it took the entire summer to work up the courage to approach her. I shored up my courage and decided there was absolute nothing that would stop me from following through - no matter how badly it went. I wrote my number on a piece of paper and approached her, completely unaware that she was holding hands with another guy.
I launched into my speech about how I liked her and asked is she would like to go out with me at some point. She interrupted me to tell me that the guy she was with was her boyfriend. He remained silent and her rebuttal did little to dissuade me. I held out the piece of paper and said “well here’s my number if it doesn’t work out” and refused to withdraw my hand until she took it.
During a particularly passive-aggressive phase of my life I was involved in an unexpected breakup with a girl. Early in the day she messaged me and said that we needed to talk after her shift. Unfortunately the words “We need to talk” never means “I don’t think we’re having enough sex”. In fact, it usually means “after my shift tonight, I am breaking up with you”.
Sure enough, she arrived at my place after work slightly tipsy and very emotional unbalanced. We sat on a bench in awkward silence before I finally began to fill in the words for her. “You want more freedom and don’t like the commitment”, I said. She nods. “You feel like we aren’t really the same and I’m keeping you from doing things you enjoy.” Again, she nods. This pattern continued for an entire conversation while I broke up with myself. Finally, to end the evening she uttered the most complex thought she had managed to express: “If I ever have to breakup with someone again, I hope it’s like this.”
When I first started dating online I struck up frequent phone calls with a very awesome girl. She was attractive and quick-witted, two qualities I favor. Her Facebook page was filled with great pictures and every conversation had me laughing. Eventually, she invited me to hang out with her and her friends at a bar. It was across town but I told her I’d be there.
Somewhere near the halfway point I took a wrong exit. While attempting to retrace my steps I managed to enter a part of the freeway that was closed for construction. As the only car on six dark and empty lanes I spent the next 30 minutes trying to get off the freeway without crushing cones and detour signs and discovered that the only way to get back to that part of town would be a 45 minutes detour. I didn’t make it and she and I never spoke again.
It was the best date I had ever been on, and the girl was amazing. I had an extra ticket to a concert for two of our favorite bands. It started raining and the venue descended into absolute chaos. We used the confusion to sneak our way to the front, embracing the pretentious glory of those first three rows. We had both had a great time and were basking in that after-concert hype and glow. When the end of the night came and it was time to make it clear I really liked her, I said, “So… I might call you or I might not. Drive safe!” Then I turned and walked away hesitantly and awkwardly, leaving her standing by her car.
