We are quickly approaching Christmas. Have you gotten her gift yet? Buying a gift for a lady can be a daunting task. Ever heard the phrase “I don’t care what you get me, it’s the thought that counts”? Ignore it. It’s a trap. No matter how many times she says she doesn’t care, there are always the underlying subtleties. She is testing you and the relationship. Don’t believe me? Buy her a toaster and let me know how it goes.
In light of the complexities, here are some common gifts, what you are telling her when you get them, and when to buy.
1. Kitchen AppliancesWhat you are telling her about the relationship: The intensity and passion are both on permanent sabbatical.
When to buy: When her need for a crushed-ice dispenser on a set of stainless steel French fridge doors outweighs her need for validation in the relationship.
What you are telling her about the relationship: You weren’t creative enough to select a gift that wasn’t life-threatening for the man smuggling it out in his ass cheeks.
When to buy: Is she a socialist hippie? Never. Otherwise, buy diamonds whenever you’ve really fucked up and need to buy back some relationship karma.
3. RosesWhat you are telling her about the relationship: I’m thinking about you and flowers are all I could find from the drugstore at 9:43pm on your birthday.
When to buy: Order a couple dozen of these when she’s having a shitty week at work. The smugness she gets from being more loved that her coworkers will buy you some mid-week ass.
4. ElectronicsWhat you are telling her about the relationship: Your friends tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. It really is all about me.
When to buy: Before the big game. Try to score points by arguing that Oprah’s head will now be in 96 inches of full, 10,000:1 contrasted-ratio glory.
5. Exercise EquipmentWhat you are telling her about the relationship: You’ve let yourself go. I’m starting to fantasize about other women when we make love.
When to buy: Buy it during that hour-long infomercial special - you’ll never get it at that price again. Luckily it folds up for quick storage so it fits perfectly in the U-Haul you are using to move all your shit during the separation.
6. Sex ToysWhat you are telling her about the relationship: Sexual intercourse is the only activity with you that I value.
When to buy it: Bold move there, Quagmire. Did you get laid on the first date? She’ll probably accept this as an invitation to the next level. Otherwise, wait a few years.
7. ClothingWhat you are telling her about the relationship: I cannot determine what size you are. In fact, I significantly under- or over-estimate your size and weight routinely.
When to buy: When you are feeling particularly confident in your metrosexuality.
8. Stuffed AnimalsWhat you are telling her about the relationship: My understanding of relationships and intimacy has not progressed past junior high.
When to buy: After one large popcorn, two cotton-candies, and 14 successive losses at ring-toss.
After long nights and a lot of hard work, we are ready to unveil a new feature here at Guy Needs Girl. Finally putting to use that Bachelor’s in Computer Science, we’ve whipped up a handy application for rating girls. The next time there is an argument over who is better, solve it objectively with the “Is She a Ten?” Questionnaire. For those of you reading in email, you’ll need to click on this link, since despite all our technology, we still can’t deliver it to your inbox.
Jami at One Note Pony is a good friend of mine and serves as my personal DJ. Occasionally I ask her to make mixes, and here’s a special one that’s perfect for Guy Needs Girl. The next time your date is a real snoozer and you need to make a quick getaway, pop this beauty into the old cd machine. She’ll politely smile, then ask to be dropped off at the nearest corner.
If things backfire and she starts to sing along, then I hope that you brought your running shoes because her crazy meter is off of the charts. Or you could give in, rent a copy of Fatal Attraction, and go wild.
Christmas is nearly here. I know other websites, TV stations, and print media provide you with a running countdown until that fabulous day arrives, so here at GuyNeedsGirl, we strive to do the same. Christmas is a time for giving and this season I pledge to give back to the community. I proudly unveil our first community-service oriented program: The Twelve Dates of Christmas.
From now until that magical day arrives I will go on dates with twelve different girls. I’ll provide you, my dearest readers, with a breakdown of each. Who she was, what we did, how it went, even down to a numerical Christmas rating (one to five ornaments): you will be a part of it all. Using the bar shown here and to the right you can track my progress from your very own home as we move forward with this program.
The Twelve Dates of Christmas
I know that for my part, it is a lot of time, effort, and money, but that is the sacrifice I make on this, the most spiritual of holidays. So join me, readers, in a wintery celebration like none other!
