Last week I had the occasion to meet a very cute nurse. You might ask yourself, how can I meet hot medical professionals? Here’s the breakdown.
Contract food poisoning or some other illness that requires medical attention. For simplicity, I chose the tuna sub from Subway. I ate very fresh.
Once you’re sure you need medical attention, make yourself presentable. I donned my flannel pajamas, slippers, and a sweatshirt. My illness of choice ensured I had no energy for hygiene or showering. Such presentation is key.
Simply getting the illness isn’t enough - you need to quickly escalate it to emergency levels if you want to meet young hotties. Try dehydration, shock, or in my case, hyperventilation to the point of muscle failure.
Your condition needs to be authentic. My extended hyperventilation afforded me the use of a wheelchair for a grand entrance to the ER. In addition, my hands, deprived of oxygen, froze in claw-like fashion. This stiffness, combined with a loss of blood in my face, gave me the appearance of a lobster experiencing a stroke. Being nearly unable to speak due to a paralyzed face is a small price to pay for being a badass-lobster-stroke-victim.
When you meet the medical professional of your dreams, start casual. While he or she is trying to get oxygen into your deprived body, joke about how you learned your expert breathing techniques doing hot room yoga. If she has to massage your limbs back to life, wonder aloud if you are going to miss your daily workout.
If the event isn’t going as planned, react big. Panic, shock, and/or desperate tears of pain can all be big winners in regaining her attention. Don’t overdo it, however. Constant, desperate attention-seeking behavior is frowned upon.
If all goes well, your hottie has been swayed by your preparation, charm, and witty emergency-room banter. Casually remark that you might need a follow-up consultation later. Could you have her number? If she tries to give you the hospital number, tell her you prefer a more personal medical experience. She’ll get the hint.
Hopefully your experience goes well and you find the nurse or doctor of your dreams. I, unfortunately, neglected to bring my contacts. Being nearly blind without corrective lenses, the blurry object of my affection was unable to determine who I was making eye contact with. Unable to find her again, I fear I may have broken her heart.
If you are out there and read this, blurry nurse with the blue scrubs featuring a pink seam, I have regained the use of my claws. Please see the results of my blood work for my number and call soon!
Mixing comedy and dating isn’t always easy. Occasionally people get the wrong impression, or worse, don’t get the joke altogether. Luckily, though, for all those who the ship of comedy misses there are few bright gems with a good sense of humor. Here’s a few of my personal ads I placed last week.
My imaginary girlfriend can’t know about this. She just isn’t fulfilling my needs, but I can’t break up with her. The weight of our mutual disinterest is a heavy burden indeed.
I need to have some fun and get away from it all. So if you are willing, interested, and attractive, I’m looking for companionship outside my relationship. Send a picture and a reply and we’ll go out.
In these rough economic times businesses must seek new and clever marketing techniques to attract customers. Those of us single must also seek creative marketing ploys. That is why, for a limited time only, the first three replies to my ad get a genuine limited-edition Ken bobblehead, complete with certificate of authenticity.
Email me a reply and a picture, and let’s go on a date so you can get that bobblehead!
I have a coupon for 2-for-1 ice cream at Coldstone. I need companionship to make use of this deal. Don’t get too excited, it expires soon. In case you don’t believe me, I’ve scanned it in as proof. In addition, I have a $25 gift certificate.
If you’ve ever waited for the stars to align for a first date where the guy simultaneously uses a coupon and a gift certificate, send a picture and a reason I should pick you.
