8 Gifts For Women And What They Mean

We are quickly approaching Christmas. Have you gotten her gift yet? Buying a gift for a lady can be a daunting task. Ever heard the phrase “I don’t care what you get me, it’s the thought that counts”? Ignore it. It’s a trap. No matter how many times she says she doesn’t care, there are always the underlying subtleties. She is testing you and the relationship. Don’t believe me? Buy her a toaster and let me know how it goes.

In light of the complexities, here are some common gifts, what you are telling her when you get them, and when to buy.

1. Kitchen Appliances

What you are telling her about the relationship: The intensity and passion are both on permanent sabbatical.

When to buy: When her need for a crushed-ice dispenser on a set of stainless steel French fridge doors outweighs her need for validation in the relationship.

2. Diamonds

What you are telling her about the relationship: You weren’t creative enough to select a gift that wasn’t life-threatening for the man smuggling it out in his ass cheeks.

When to buy: Is she a socialist hippie? Never. Otherwise, buy diamonds whenever you’ve really fucked up and need to buy back some relationship karma.

3. Roses

What you are telling her about the relationship: I’m thinking about you and flowers are all I could find from the drugstore at 9:43pm on your birthday.

When to buy: Order a couple dozen of these when she’s having a shitty week at work. The smugness she gets from being more loved that her coworkers will buy you some mid-week ass.

4. Electronics

What you are telling her about the relationship: Your friends tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. It really is all about me.

When to buy: Before the big game. Try to score points by arguing that Oprah’s head will now be in 96 inches of full, 10,000:1 contrasted-ratio glory.

5. Exercise Equipment

What you are telling her about the relationship: You’ve let yourself go. I’m starting to fantasize about other women when we make love.

When to buy: Buy it during that hour-long infomercial special - you’ll never get it at that price again. Luckily it folds up for quick storage so it fits perfectly in the U-Haul you are using to move all your shit during the separation.

6. Sex Toys

What you are telling her about the relationship: Sexual intercourse is the only activity with you that I value.

When to buy it: Bold move there, Quagmire. Did you get laid on the first date? She’ll probably accept this as an invitation to the next level. Otherwise, wait a few years.

7. Clothing

What you are telling her about the relationship: I cannot determine what size you are. In fact, I significantly under- or over-estimate your size and weight routinely.

When to buy: When you are feeling particularly confident in your metrosexuality.