During the holidays we often get nostalgic. We visit with friends and family and talk about all the memories the season reminds us of. Although it may not be relevant and may have nothing to do with friends and family, I have a story to share. I bet it will be more interesting to hear than when Uncle Ned gets drunk at Christmas and tells his gangrene story.
I was seeing an otherwise wholesome girl when she informs me that she’s contracted an infection in her special area. Being new to the city, I figure it is time to start the search for a local doctor. I find a well-recommended family practitioner just a few miles from my apartment and make an appointment.
Fun with Science!
The office reception area looks new. I sign in using a fancy wireless touchpad and flirt with the cute receptionists while I’m waiting for the doctor. Nothing about the experience so far suggests anything out of the ordinary… until the nurse calls me back and I see how tiny the office is. The entire practice consists of the waiting room, the area behind the counter, and a walk-in closet on the side that doubles as the examination room.
I sit on one of those beds with the disposable paper and wait. As I’m watching the various people move about the office it dawns on me that “family practice” is literal in this particular instance. The father is the doctor, his wife is the nurse, and his two collegiate daughters are the receptionists and assistants.
Normally this wouldn’t be a concern, but throughout the entire examination no one feels the need to shut the examination room door. Oh well, I’m not bashful.
Doc: So what are we here today for?
Ken: A girl I was seeing says she thinks she has an infection. I thought I’d look into it, see what my situation is.
Doc: How long have you been with this girl?
Ken: Probably about a week.
Doc: And how often have you had intercourse?’
Ken: Eight times in two days?
I guarantee that mother and daughters heard every word of the examination. I even made eye-contact a few times while I’m delivering the details of my personal life. It might have been awkward for him, knowing that earlier I was fraternizing with his daughters, but it certainly didn’t bother me. And I don’t know what he would have to worry about anyway; the results came back negative. Unless the man doubts the accuracy of his own work, he knows I’m clean.
Maybe when I go back for my yearly physical I’ll ask the cuter girl out. Dinner with the parents can’t be any more awkward than knowing they have access to your blood-test results.
We are quickly approaching Christmas. Have you gotten her gift yet? Buying a gift for a lady can be a daunting task. Ever heard the phrase “I don’t care what you get me, it’s the thought that counts”? Ignore it. It’s a trap. No matter how many times she says she doesn’t care, there are always the underlying subtleties. She is testing you and the relationship. Don’t believe me? Buy her a toaster and let me know how it goes.
In light of the complexities, here are some common gifts, what you are telling her when you get them, and when to buy.
1. Kitchen AppliancesWhat you are telling her about the relationship: The intensity and passion are both on permanent sabbatical.
When to buy: When her need for a crushed-ice dispenser on a set of stainless steel French fridge doors outweighs her need for validation in the relationship.
What you are telling her about the relationship: You weren’t creative enough to select a gift that wasn’t life-threatening for the man smuggling it out in his ass cheeks.
When to buy: Is she a socialist hippie? Never. Otherwise, buy diamonds whenever you’ve really fucked up and need to buy back some relationship karma.
3. RosesWhat you are telling her about the relationship: I’m thinking about you and flowers are all I could find from the drugstore at 9:43pm on your birthday.
When to buy: Order a couple dozen of these when she’s having a shitty week at work. The smugness she gets from being more loved that her coworkers will buy you some mid-week ass.
4. ElectronicsWhat you are telling her about the relationship: Your friends tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen. It really is all about me.
When to buy: Before the big game. Try to score points by arguing that Oprah’s head will now be in 96 inches of full, 10,000:1 contrasted-ratio glory.
5. Exercise EquipmentWhat you are telling her about the relationship: You’ve let yourself go. I’m starting to fantasize about other women when we make love.
When to buy: Buy it during that hour-long infomercial special - you’ll never get it at that price again. Luckily it folds up for quick storage so it fits perfectly in the U-Haul you are using to move all your shit during the separation.
6. Sex ToysWhat you are telling her about the relationship: Sexual intercourse is the only activity with you that I value.
When to buy it: Bold move there, Quagmire. Did you get laid on the first date? She’ll probably accept this as an invitation to the next level. Otherwise, wait a few years.
7. ClothingWhat you are telling her about the relationship: I cannot determine what size you are. In fact, I significantly under- or over-estimate your size and weight routinely.
When to buy: When you are feeling particularly confident in your metrosexuality.
8. Stuffed AnimalsWhat you are telling her about the relationship: My understanding of relationships and intimacy has not progressed past junior high.
When to buy: After one large popcorn, two cotton-candies, and 14 successive losses at ring-toss.
After long nights and a lot of hard work, we are ready to unveil a new feature here at Guy Needs Girl. Finally putting to use that Bachelor’s in Computer Science, we’ve whipped up a handy application for rating girls. The next time there is an argument over who is better, solve it objectively with the “Is She a Ten?” Questionnaire. For those of you reading in email, you’ll need to click on this link, since despite all our technology, we still can’t deliver it to your inbox.
You know the old adage, “Dress For The Tail You Want”? Well, I can attest that it is true, which is why I try to keep a wide variety in my wardrobe. I thought it might be useful for my readers to provide a visual guide to some common styles.
In order to win over the classic girl, you’ll need to match with a look that is sharp, masculine, and classy. Keep a few suits in the closet and keep up with Don’s attire and soon you will have your Marilyn.
