Let me paint the scene leading up to “the incident”.

We are in our living room and it is 3:20pm on a Saturday. We’re watching TV. The roomie gets up to use the bathroom when the following conversation occurs:

Her: “Kenneth! There is porn playing on your computer!”
Me: “Really? How embarrassing.”

You might imagine this was an awkward moment for the apartment, but really we just had a good laugh about it. I suppose the best part might be that I was in the living room watching TV. Why use a screensaver? Just leave some porn looping. While I appreciate her assertions that my secret was safe with her, moments in life like this are too precious not to share. Therefore I present you with a list: The Top Five Ways It Could Have Been Worse.

5. I could have been at the desk

I was watching TV at the time of the “incident”, which in theory, leaves me with some level of plausible deniability. Maybe the porn isn’t mine. Perhaps my computer has a virus that randomly plays porn when I’m not around. Or I gave my friend remote access to my machine and he was playing a practical joke. But just between you and me, it was mine, and it could have been worse. I could have been at my desk… pantsless.

4. It could have been my mother

If I had to pick a person to let into the inner sanctum of my porn preferences and collection, why not select the roomie? It could have been someone else. It could have been like that time when I was fifteen and my mother found that medical journal with anatomically correct diagrams under my bed. Very little in my life will match that Catholic shame.

3. The leading lady could have been my girlfriend

Fine, fine. I don’t have a girlfriend - hence the whole Guy Needs Girl thing. However, it is fun to think about future social events at the apartment. My girlfriend, knowing that my room mate knows, my room mate, knowing that my girlfriend knows that she knows; the level of infinite recursive awkwardness knows no bounds.

2. It could have been animals

My room mate and I don’t really like pets. We’re just not fans. They make messes, shed, make noise and you have to care for the little assholes. Not to mention the extra charges on the rental agreement. You can see why, then, it could have been worse. Take a possibly embarrassing moment and add puppies, dolphins, or goats and I think eye contact with the room mate is forever disallowed from that point forward.

1. She could have been giving a tour

I’m not sure why, but it is fairly universal that when people visit your apartment for the first time you feel compelled to show them the linen closet and the laundry nook. The Perfect Storm of Awkwardness could have made an appearance during the tour my roomie gave to her grandparents. There, looping on my massive 24-inch graphic designer’s LCD panel, is a girl getting a solid pounding from behind. Nothing says “such a nice apartment” like ambient porn.