A majority of the dates I go on are blind dates. A majority of those are bad blind dates. Don’t let my sacrifice to human curiosity and the search to get laid be lost. Here are Ken’s Regulations for Bad Blind Date Avoidance.

Rule #1: Set your expectations to the lowest possible level

Why: Blind dates have the potential to be the pinnacle of a bad date. Is he a handsome day trader with a purebred, a penthouse suite, and an Aston Martin? Let me translate: he gambled away his 401k, his ex-wife took everything except their dog, he’s the super in an upper room for an apartment complex his uncle owns and he is building a 1/14th scale model of the famous V8 beauty with Legos in his spare time. Trust me, she doesn’t work for a Venture Capitalist firm. She’s funding her friend’s eBay jewelry business with money borrowed from her parents. Whatever preconceptions you have, your date will mangle them.

Rule #2: Choose an activity that is simple and short

Only agree to activities that naturally have a short time frame. Meeting for coffee or frozen yogurt are perfect. Have selections in mind so that you seem prepared and aren’t stuck at the mercy of his or her suggestions.

Why: When you’ve been through an entire three-course meal and movie with the third most boring person on the planet, you understand the sweet, sweet relief of finishing a cup of coffee and getting the hell out. Once I even agreed to a picnic for a blind date. At the time it seemed like a great idea, but in practice a blind date in the park with packed food was and is a terrible idea.

Rule #3: Don’t change anything drastic about your routine

Don’t get a new haircut. Don’t buy new clothing for the date. Don’t wear that new cologne.

Why: First, you want to keep your expectations low. Super low. Don’t make the date a big deal. More importantly, there’s always a chance you’ll fuck up whatever you change. That new hair color will dye your hair orange. Perhaps you don’t notice the tag you left on the new blouse. For my part, none of my friends had a chance to tell me that my new cologne smelled like ass; I had to find out the hard way. Then there was the time I tried a straight-razor instead of an electric. Nothing has killed a girl’s expectations quite like facial bleeding.

Rule #4: Meet on location

Don’t offer him or her a ride, and don’t accept any offer. Plan other activities so you have an excuse to take a separate vehicle if you must.

Why: Few periods of time in our lives will be more awkward than shuttling someone home after a terrible date. You should try it once so you have a baseline to measure future moments in life.

Rule #5: Keep friends informed and schedule a phone call

Make sure your friends know the name of the person you are meeting, where, and when. Give them an expected time frame and have them call you at the midpoint.

Why: Beside obvious safety reasons, the call can give you an early out if needed. The safety call is so common that most of the girls I date will receive a call at some point during the date. This call can also be a way to gauge your own blind date performance: if your dates are frequently taking their safety calls, it might be time for some reflection.

Rule #6: If it was bad, end with a “Thank you” and then follow up with a “have a good night”

Memorize this line: “Thank you for the date - have a good night!” When the end of a terrible date comes, put it out there with confidence and finality.

Why: Occasionally mistakes happen, like how I’ve accidentally told a terrible date that I would “see them later”. Or the time when I slipped and told a girl “I’d call her” while the warning lights were blazing in the back of my mind. Save yourself the hassle of screening calls later and use the line above.

Rule #7: Frame everything as a story

Why: If you date regularly, you are going to have abysmal dates. It will happen. Did the guy bring his children with him? Did she talk about how her ex-boyfriend is an asshole for getting a restraining order against her? Were there EMTs involved? Great. Tell people about it. Laugh. Otherwise you’ll find yourself at home next Friday crying in your Haagen Dazs and playing the sequel to God of War on your Xbox.

Rule #8: If the date was good, feel free to break the rules next time

If the date was great, you don’t need these rules. Keep them just in case for the first few dates if you need, but otherwise… Mark it excitedly on your calendar with a countdown, buy a new outfit, have her pick you up, drive to an undisclosed location with your phone off and end the date the next morning by not telling your roommate why you are stumbling into the apartment 15 minutes before work looking like a survivor of Man vs. Wild.